The Wacky Adventures of Solid Snake: Episode 2
by Otasnake
Summary: When Fisher kidnaps Meryl as part of his evil plans, Snake calls in a few friends to help him rescue her. Parodies of Snake Eater and Portable Ops intended.


**The Crazy Adventures Of Solid Snake And Friends: Episode 2**

**Disclaimer : **I don't own MGS and all that shit. Now on with the show!

"Otacon, what's for dinner?" Snake shouted from the warmth of his seat in front of the TV.

"Hey it was your turn to cook!" Otacon retorted from his 'den', which was the room where he kept all of his computer gear that Snake affectionately nicknamed 'The Geek Zone'.

"My bad. So what're we gonna do about dinner?" Snake shouted from his comfortable position in his recliner chair.

"Do I look like I can produce a meal from my shinbone?" Otacon barked.

"Takeout?" Snake suggested.

"Thai?" Otacon asked.

"No way, we'll have real food!" Snake said, clearly annoyed.

The last time he'd eaten some of that slop he'd had flashbacks to his former life as a Mexican missionary priest, who naturally banged all of the nuns in the mission. Those were some dark times.

"I'm calling for pizza!" Snake said as he went for the phone in the hallway of the house

He noticed he had some mail next to the phone.

"Hmm? The postman must have been early today." Snake mumbled as he picked up the envelope.

He saw it was addressed not to David Sears or Dr. Hal Emmerich like the usual post, but Solid Snake and Otacon.

"How the hell did. . ."

A massive exclamation mark appeared above his forehead.

"Oh, shit. Otacon!" Snake screamed. "Letter bomb!"

Snake threw the letter into the bathroom and hid for cover, but only heard the faint sound of paper hitting tile.

"What the hell is going on?" Otacon demanded. "I was trying to order some DVDs from Amazon and then I hear letter bomb."

"If you could tear yourself away from ordering Sailor Moon hentai I think we have a problem!" Snake growled.

"What? The letter?" Otacon asked as he examined the envelope.

He took it downstairs into his den to screen it. Snake followed him.

"I hate to disappoint you, but it's an ordinary letter." Otacon said.

"But it's addressed to Solid Snake and not David Sears." Snake retorted.

"Hmm, that is unusual and worrying. . ." Otacon said. "We should probably open it.

Otacon gingerly opened the letter, but found that neither a cloud of powder, or an explosion, or some killing effect was produced. He took out a card with a shiny gold trim and read it.

"This isn't good." Otacon said, clearly distressed.

"What? Give me that. Oh, fuck!" Snake roared. "It's so unbelievable that I'll have to read it out loud! While you were running around like a fool in a fit of paranoia thinking this was a letter bomb, as was so predictable, myself and a group of friends kidnapped Meryl for my plans of market domination. Either you renounce your throne as the king of ass kicking or I'll kill her. Regards, Sam Fisher. PS. I'm hiding out in a fortified base in the deep south that not even you can get into."

Snake tore up the letter.

"That bastard! He's gonna pay!"

He kicked over the coffee table in a fit of rage.

"Snake, calm down! We've gotta find a way to rescue Meryl and I don't think we should use any of your crazy plans this time." Otacon said.

"You're right. We're dealing with Meryl. I need her for romantic entanglements and sexual tension. I'll leave this up to you."

"I think we'll need help on this one…" Otacon groaned as he went down into his den, time to start making some calls.

**X**

"So what's the plan, then? Do I have to jump off of a bridge or swim through freezing cold water or something to get there this time?" Snake asked as Otacon resurfaced from his den a number of hours later.

Snake had gone to McDonalds for dinner and was feeling bloated, his rage subsided somewhat. "I was talking to a number of our friends and acquaintances in the game character community, a few have volunteered to help us on this one." Otacon said as he produced a big folder full of documents.

"So who was dumb enough to volunteer?" Snake asked.

"Well, first I checked out Fisher's file on the NSA severs. It was easy to get into and it turns out he's gone completely bonkers and he's recruited a group of mercenaries and ex-secret agents and established his own Outer Heaven in a secluded location in the deep south…South Carolina apparently" Otacon said as he threw Fisher's file on the table.

"Outer Heaven? Oh, for the love of God couldn't he have thought up an original name!" Snake groaned. "Who's with him?"

"I have the files here. He's gathered 5 other characters into his own 'DEADFOX' unit, which is another unoriginal name."

The files contained a sheet of DEADFOX members and their profiles.

_Carl Johnson (GTA:SA), Aka; CJ: West Coast crime boss, virtually limitless funds, plenty of connections, weakness for burgers…_

_Ethan Hunt (MI): A former IMF agent, fired after he got involved with Scientology and went crazy, tried to sacrifice some kids to Xenu…_

_James Patterson (MOH): A former US army spy during WW2, he's old like the hills but still thinks he's impervious to lead…_

_Mattias Nisslon(Mercenaries): A pyromaniac Swedish merc, fired from Executive Operations after he blew up an entire North Korean village 'for a kick', a true blue lunatic…_

_Lady Lara Croft (TR): Seductive British aristocrat and adventurer, occasionally worked for M16 before, says here she's got a few surgical modifications, no prizes for guessing what._

_And in charge of them, DEADFOX's squad leader, Sam Fisher, no explanation needed._

"Sounds like a lovely crew. Why did they join up with Fisher?" Snake asked.

"Apparently this Outer Heaven is dedicated to the elimination of Metal Gear Solid and other intelligent video games and the establishment of a new world order of dumbass, balls out action games" Otacon explained. "It will be a world full of excessive potty humour, continuously reused gags, of idiotic jingoism, of big explosions. . ."

"Enough. We have to stop those crazy bastards." Snake said solemnly. "Who's agreed to join us?"

"I got into contact with a number of our friends and they've agreed to help." Otacon replied as he handed Snake another sheet of paper.

"You repeat yourself a lot."

"I'm taking after you."

_Cloud Strife(FFVII): The Superman to your Batman. One of the greatest heroes who ever lived, second only to you Snake._

_Dante(DMC): I know he's an airhead but he's useful in a fight with his weird demon powers._

_Leon S Kennedy(RE): Secret Service, specialist in biohazard containment, just reckons Fisher's an asshole._

"I knew I could count on these guys!" Snake said.

They were all his poker buddies. They'd known each other for years and were firm friends, except for Raiden who was just his annoying sidekick. At that moment Otacon's cell phone buzzed. He flipped it open.

"Hello…oh hey! You what? Uhm this is kinda, well…one of those jobs not for the faint hearted…I know you have plenty of experience but…It's not because you're a girl! Hey look I'm sorry…it's just this is really a guy thing…I know she's on Fisher's side, but she is a bitch you know…oh I see…as much as that eh? Gimme a second, Snake someone else wants to join!" Otacon said. "Who?" Snake demanded.

"Umm. . .Raiden." Otacon gulped.

"I don't need a fashion expert on my team! What's he gonna do, bore them to death with that his complaining?" Snake asked.

"Apparently he hates Lara's guts. She could turn out to be a problem." Otacon said.

"Hmm. That bitch is a formidable gunfighter and we could do with some extra cannon fodder." Snake said.

"You've got the job." Otacon told Raiden.

"Commencing Operation Fish Eater." Snake growled as he got up out of his chair and went to get his gear.

**Several hours later deep in the bijous of South Carolina. . .**

"What a shithole. It's the perfect place for a secret hideout." Cloud commented as the unlikely band of adventurers trekked through the swamps towards Fisher's impregnable fortress.

"Uhm, do we get to stop for lunch anytime soon?" Dante asked. "Major case of the munchies man…"

"I told you to eat before we came!" Snake grunted as he searched the area for hostiles down the barrel of his M4. "Damn kids."

"If I'd have known we were going wading through the swamps I would have brought a change of clothes!" Raiden whined.

"Jack, shut the hell up before I shoot you myself." Leon groaned as he'd rather have a Las Plagas parasite burrow it's way into him than have to deal with Raiden.

"Maybe if you guys all stopped bickering we'd get there quicker!" Snake barked.

"Not too good out there, huh?" Otacon asked over the Codec from the safety of his den.

"Shut it, Hal." Snake growled.

As our intrepid band of heroes (and Raiden) trudged through the swamp they heard the faint sound of an obnoxiously loud car engine not too far away.

"What in the fuck?" Snake asked.

"We'd better check that out." Cloud said.

"Yeah, dude!" Dante added as they made their way towards where the noise was coming from.

In a woodland clearing, a heavily pimped Dodge Viper was parked, painted violently green, and with two massive speakers. Suddenly, the speakers flared to life, deafening the crew with mind bendingly terrible dance music.

"Damn! Shut that shit off!" Snake roared as he blasted the car with his M4, destroying the speakers.

"Muthafuka yo ass done busted mah ride, biiaaattccchhh!" a voice from inside the car yelled. "CJ!" Leon exclaimed.

"Y'all niggazz can call me 'Da PAIN!'" the crime boss said proudly as he showed off his big ass bling bling dog tag which said 'DA MOTHAFUCKIN PAIN DAWG!'.

"Oh groovy." Cloud groaned.

"I'm gonna guide yo asses to a world of anguish beyond yo' punk ass imaginations with mah freestylin!" CJ grinned as he produced a microphone and hooked it up to a giant speaker cleverly hidden in the foliage.

When he tried to turn it on, he found it wasn't working.

"What tha fuck's wrong wit dis piece of shit?" CJ demanded.

He kicked at it in frustration and felt strong arms grab him and fling him to the ground. He looked up and saw Snake standing over him with his M4 aimed right at his balls.

"Yo Snake man I was just kiddin, 'aight!" CJ whined as Snake cocked the assault rifle.

"No more hot coffee for you." Snake said.

Snake blew off CJ's balls.

"No! Now I aint no good to no ladiez no more." he whined as he pulled out his gold plated Glock and shot himself in the head.

"One down." Snake said as the others applauded him.

"Hey! Nice work, Snake dude!" Dante said as Snake rejoined them.

"Let's get a move on, the fortress isn't too far away." Cloud said as he took his turn on point.


End file.
